This is a guest post. All I can tell you is the person is truly a pioneer in the field of sandwiches. Truly a great read.
America is unequivocally the greatest place on earth. Yet
despite our great America exceptionalism, an often overlooked aspect of our
day-to-day lives in under siege. You probably haven’t noticed. Not surprisingly,
this horror has been buried by the left-wing news machine, who sit in comfy
chairs at the upper echelon of society, spoiled with riches and lavish lunch
time cafeterias. Yes folks, I am talking about the sandwich, that standby of
the working man and women’s lunch pail. The inexplicable assault on the
sandwich can be chocked-up dozens of small changes that have occurred in how we
now live our lives. The most likely culprit is obviously government overreach
(keep your Obamacare off my sandwich please).
Does this recent lunch room conversation sound familiar:
Richard: Hi Dolorous, how are you today (said in a dull
tired voice)
Dolorous: I am good Richard, what’s for lunch today?
Richard: Another ham and cheese sandwich, blah. And please
Dolorous, my friends call me Richard, you can call me Dick.
Dolorous: Sure thing Dick. Sorry to hear about your
sandwich. Looks pretty lame. Is that yellow mustard?
Rich: Yup, kids ate all the good stuff. And actually we are
out of ham so this is just a piece of soggy pink construction paper.
Dolorous: Tell me about it. I am eating turkey and cheese
wrapped in lettuce, can’t have the carbs.
Dolorous and Dick proceed to eat and cry together over there
lame sandwiches.
Friends, life cannot continue like this. I am here to help.
With a little American ingenuity, and elbow grease, I have devised two
iterations of classic sandwiches. Not only will these new and improved classic’s
will bring a little perk to your midday lunch, make you smile a little more and
put a little bounce in your step. AND, they are also guaranteed to;
improve the effects of male pattern baldness; aid in weight loss; will make you
a better lover; help you read faster;
and for women, will improve bust size, in as little as 2 weeks. How is that for
American Exceptionalism!
Sandwich 1-
Not-yo-momma’s Ham sandwich
Challenge- Ham and cheese is boring! There, I said it.*
Objective- Lets spice it up. Not enough to give you a heart
attack, but enough to get the hair growing on your head and that libido
pumping. “Jeez Dick, you are looking sexy
today, and have you lost weight! You didn’t happen to have a not-yo-momma’s ham
sandwich for lunch?”
Step 1: Go buy some fresh ham, sliced thin. You will also
need some flat sliced pickles (stackers), a sturdy grainy mustard
(ingelhofer?), imported Swiss cheese, salami and rye bread. Fortunately, all of
these things can be find at your local neighborhood suburban grocery store. Get
the imported Swiss, it has more bite, and leave that lacey crap for someone
else. Also, if you happen to live somewhere like Williamsburg Brooklyn, the
epicenter of coolness, there is probably a fancy pickle store down the street
from you. I have heard that pickles are the new jeans that are too tight to
walk in (meaning very hip). If this is the case, and you can still pull your
wallet from you jeans pocket, go get some bad ass pickles at your local
picklery.
Step 2- Put a piece of sliced rye on a cutting board. Add
2-3 slices of ham and 3 slices of salami. Yup, 3 of both. You want to be taller
don’t you?
Step 3- Smear mustard on bread. If you are feeling flashy,
you could go ménage à tois mustard. That is, apply spritely, honey mustard on
one slice of bread, with the grainy sort on the other. (This is not for the faint
of heart, and should only be attempted by experienced sandwichers).
Step 4- Layer 2-3 sliced pickles across the ham/salami
stack. Gently let the pickles drip a bit before adding. It is crucial to keep
the bread dry. Nothing says “The Canadians are taking over” like a soggy
sandwich.
Step 5- Add Swiss cheese. The trick here is to layer the
Swiss so that there are no exposed holes that would enable a soggy pickle to
touch the top piece of bread. With a little practice, 2-3 slices of cheese will
easily accomplish this goal.
Step 5- Add the top piece of bread. Pack in your lunch box.
Step 6- Strut (yes strut, you have earned it champ!) to
work.
Step 7- Carefully and deliberately unpack you lunch for all
to see. Eat while sipping a cool glass of water. Don’t dare touch a Perrier. That
shit is for wimps. And this is not a wimpy sandwich, but you already knew that.
Sandwich 2-
Magnanimous Tuna
Challenge- Tuna is protein packed and makes a great lunch. But
let’s face it, what the hell is mayo. Get that shit off my sandwich.
Objective- Tuna from a can is a vehicle for whatever you
want to add to it. Give it some sass. A little bite, a little crunch, and
BAMMM, you got yourself a sandwich. “Wow
Dolorous, have you gotten taller, and your blouse appears to fitting a little
tight. Want to grab a drink after work today, and then maybe an itchy game of
monopoly? Sorry to pry, but you didn’t happen to have a magnanimous tuna
sandwich for lunch, did you?”
Step 1: Go buy some canned tuna in water. Pick up a little bottle
of capers, and another of mixed olives. You can see where this is going. Grab a
lemon, or more likely, one of those little yellow bottles of lemon juice. I
don’t know who squeezes all those lemons either, but I bet he has huge
forearms. You’ll need a pepper, go red if you can afford it. I will assume you
have salt and pepper. If not, how are you reading this blog. And are you really
paying for internet and don’t have salt and pepper in your house. No stupid,
not Salt-N-Pepa, although this sandwich definitely make you want to “Push It”. OK, I think we are ready.
Step 2- Toast bread in toaster. I also assumed you have
this. If not, see above. Let the toast cool, otherwise it will get soggy. After
it is done toasting just leave it in the toaster while you get everything else
ready.
Step 3- Drain tuna and place in a bowl. Add about 1
tablespoon (a measurement known as “some”) of lemon juice. Eye ball it,
measuring spoons and for wimps, just like Perrier. Add salt and pepper.
Step 4- Add some capers and cut up olives. If
you are racing around and have kiddos, just rip those little olives to pieces
with you bear hands. Trust me, it won’t hurt.
Step 5- Cut up some of red pepper and through it in
there.
Step 6- Mix it around and much it a bit with a fork. Add a some
more of anything that looks low.
Step 7- Place tuna on bread and pack lunch.
Step 8- Meander to work with your new bad ass sandwich. Yup,
meander. You ain’t in no hurry with that sandwich. The world can wait for you
today amigo.
Step 9- Unpack in the lunch room and allow everyone time to
take in the aromas and vibe your sandwich is throwing off. Take out that
useless smart phone of yours, delete the facebook and tweeter apps, and throw
on some Salt-N-Pepa (Push
It). Close your eyes and enjoy.
Concluding remarks: With great sandwiches comes great
responsibility. If you dare eat sandwiches like this at work you must be ready
to act like someone who eats sandwiches like this at work. People will look up
to you, so act like a leader. You’re the boss now. In fact, you’re your boss’s
boss. Don’t take shit from anyone, but lead kindly and fairly. This is what
grown-ups do. The Canadians are retreating. They were sharpening their skates
just a minute ago, preparing for invasion, but not anymore. There you go Dick
and Dolorous, doesn’t that feel good. God bless the USA.
